So typically my blogs will be about being a single mom of 3 sassy girls and fashion which are two of the many things I love so much! But this blog is also about life, my life. And in order for it to be successful I have to be honest, venerable and open and talk about real life things. Some of the real life things are not always going to be rainbows and sunshine, they are going to hurt. So here goes one of those blogs that hurts. But maybe just maybe someone will read this and realize that life is worth living, no matter how dark your days may seem.
So 11 years ago I met you. You always had a smile on your face and seemed to have life all figured out. You were successful, we're building your own house. I was lucky enough to become friends with you and you're now ex who I still love. You also had this really crazy cat Bailey. Such a firecracker that cat. But for some reason I was one of the only other people he would let take care of him and give him his insulin shots. So we were stuck with each other. And these years were not always easy AT all! But I wouldn't change it for the world. The ugly sweater parties or bar crawls, your crazy cat and the fact that you had cameras everywhere so you could watch him (including the liter box). You got married and had a beautiful little girl. Although things didn't work out with you and her mama you still seemed to have life under control. This last year you started changing, and I don't think any of us could figure out why......but you were not the same person. December 22nd 2019 you texted me, and I didn't hear back, but I just thought you were doing the typical thing you had been doing where you would text and then wait for a while to respond (because this past year everything had changed). I would quickly find out that you decided to take your own life. My first thought was no way, no way he would do that, and I now know you were hurting so bad inside and I only wished you would have just told me how bad or someone else. So we could still have you here today. So your daughter could still have you here.
How did you get that lonely, how did you hurt that bad. To make you make the call that having no life at all is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty you want to let it all go?
The only thing I continue to think, are of the details of your final moments. Was there anything that you said that I missed, that any of us missed. I should have saw something. I should have have been the one to save you, one of us should have saved you. Thats what we are all thinking right now. But you had your mind made up. It's only after the fact, do we connect the dots that we didn't want to see that were there. What if I answered your calls more? What if I would have listened more? What if I did something different? These thoughts are constantly running through my mind.
These thoughts consume me as I pick up my phone, I know if I called or texted you wouldn't answer, but I wish that you were still here on the receiving end. I lay at night thinking of you, and being so damn mad at you and going over every conversation trying to see if I overlooked a plea a cry for help. I just want to tell you the world wasn't the bad place you thought it was. You really had more people in your corner than what you thought. I wonder when you made the decision to end it all, I wonder if anyone could have convinced you to stay. And if nothing anyone said could convince you maybe you could of stayed for your little girl. She deserved to have her dad. I wish you would have just thought of her if nothing else. She has an amazing mama who is going to continue to take great care of her. Who is going to tell her about her daddy.
I think some people are just too fragile for this world we live in. You brought light to all those that knew you, but we (I) didn't know at the time the reason you appeared to shine so bright on the outside, was to mask the pain and darkness you felt within you. I can't imagine what your nights were like. I can only guess it was a tug of war of failing to understand why you were different. I'm sure you were looking for an escape, I wish you had told someone. I wish I could have told you suicide doesn't end your pain, but it passes it on to everyone else that loved you. I don't know (and will never know) what drove you to the place where you thought the end was the only solution. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Which is part of why I don't understand, you were not the type of person to let anything stand in your way, no problem was ever too much for you to handle and get through.
I wish you were still here. Because life does get better, I just wish you would of hung around to see that. Of the things that hurt me the most are those things you'll never get to experience (helping your daughter get through heart break, graduating high school, college, walking her down the aisle on her wedding day) All those precious moments that a parent is supposed to experience with their child. Someday she might say I wish I had my dad. She will get through it because she has so many people that love her, but you should be here loving her as well. Helping her mama raise her.
I wish I could have wrapped my arms around you, and put back together the broken pieces, that made who you were. Because everyone know the people who are broken are always the most beautiful. I can keep questioning the what ifs in my mind, but it will drive me mad. All I can say is I hope you are looking down on all of us and finally see how much you were truly loved. I hope you'll watch over your daughter, her mama, your family, me and everyone else down here that truly cared for you (even when you were being a royal pain in the ass, which was a lot of the time lol ). And while death scares the crap out of me unlike it did you, I know it will be there that we meet again. So until we meet again my friend, may you rest easy, may you rest in peace and may you finally be happy.
My message to any of you reading this, please check in on your family and friends frequently, even the ones who seem to have everything together! If you are someone who thinks that you have nothing left to live for PLEASE reach out to a family member, friend, ME, or call the Suicide Prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255. Let someone help you! Because life is truly beautiful, and you can get through any storm!
Because today, is the day we all had to say goodbye
In loving memory of Alvin Ray Baker February 10th 1980- December 22nd 2019