I’m now in the phase of parenting when someone replies, “I’m sorry,” after I tell them my daughters are 13, 11 & 7 . “And girls!” they’ll add, shaking their heads. It’s not that bad, I want to say. Because of my teenage daughters, I’ve discovered my addiction to coffee, dry shampoo and under eye cream, and also… um… also lots of other things I can’t really remember right now! Just kidding — they are, of course, still the joys of my life, just slightly more complicated little joys. In their honor, and for any parent navigating (or about to navigate) similar terrain, here are a few completely not-at-all-expert rules I’ve tried to keep in mind on a daily basis while keeping my not so tiny humans alive.
1. Get as much sleep as you can before they turn 13, because then the sleepless nights really begin. THIS IS NO JOKE
2. She isn’t mad at you. She just seems like it because she’s been “on” all day, and you are the only one she can take it out on because she knows you’ll still love her in the morning and you're her safe person
3. Teach her to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever send a picture of herself to someone, especially a boy, that she wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing on the front page of the New York Times.
4. Like EVER.
5. You’re not fooling them with your casual concern about their social lives. Are you and "Erin" still best friends? You are their mother and they see right through you.
6. There is nothing too small to brag about at the dinner table. I believe this should be a rule however old and whatever gender your kids are, but I find it has become especially important for girls during the teenage years, when self-confidence is more likely to wane, and judgement-free zones are rare if not completely non-existent.
7. Speaking of the dinner table: Make it a nag-free zone. None of the Did you take that practice test? Did you get back to that teacher with your corrections? Did you put throw those freaking pop cans away? That is what the other 11 1/2 hours of the day are for. Talk about a win that you each had for that day!
8. Talk about her period and periods generally from day one so there is no shroud of shame around them. Even when there are brothers and fathers around — actually especially when brothers and fathers are around.
9. Try and feed your daughters with current events for breakfast, play news radio in the car on the way to the volleyball game, point them in the direction of podcasts that are informational and intentional. When you’re a teenager, it’s no longer cute if you can’t identify the Vice President of the United States.
10. Repeat to self: It’s just a phase. They will go through phases. Of clothes, of friends, of liking carbs and not liking carbs; of liking themselves of not liking themselves; of liking you and not liking you. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. Don't take it personally which is easier said than done.
11. It’s not myspace anymore its Tik Tok
12. Danger in the pre-teen years: Helicopter Parenting. Danger in the teen years: Lawn Mower Parenting. Resist the urge to clear a smooth path for them unless you want to be the mom emailing their college professors to request extensions.
13. It’s okay that they aren’t learning to code or interning with the A.C.L.U. this summer. They’ll learn more about patience and hard work from bussing tables or loading groceries, babysitting and the stories they will collect will be waayyy more entertaining.
14. When teaching them to drive, take a deep breath and remember: It’s only a 4500-pound car-shaped missile, what’s the worst that could happen? I am dreading this day in all honesty LOL
15. Social exclusion: Most of the time, it’s more painful for you than it is for her.
16. What the hell is Fortnite?
17.. Help her find an escape hatch. Whether it’s a summer camp, a theater program, a literary magazine, a dishwashing job, finding her people is huge. Having an outlet outside of school is huger. Realizing that the world is bigger and more interesting than who is streaking with whom on Snapchat is the hugest.
18. It’s more important to listen than to fix. While it’s true that teenagers have always been teenagers, their worlds are different than yours. It’s easy to just dismiss things as “I went through that, you’ll be fine.” But they are dealing with social pressures that we never had to deal with and we owe it to them to try to really listen. We need to put our phones down and REALLY listen.
19. It’s fine to speak with your teenage daughters and friends in their language (“lit,” “fire,” “gucci”) to sound like the cool parent that you are – so long as you realize the effect will be exactly the opposite of what you intended. (“Mom, stop you're embarrassing me, you didn't say it right)
20. There will be a day when she gets in a car with another teenager headed who-knows-where and you will be tempted to remind her of every single thing you’ve taught her about good judgment – wear your seatbelt, wear your sunblock, listen to your gut, don’t walk home on that dangerously curvy road in the dark, don’t do drugs, don’t get drunk, don’t get in a car with anyone who’s had even ONE drink, don’t take nudes, don’t send nudes, don’t forget you can call me ANY hour of the night if you need me for ANYTHING LITERALLY ANYTHING AND I WILL BE THERE NO QUESTIONS ASKED— but you will keep your mouth shut and trust that she’s been listening.
21. And check up on all your other teenager moms.......WE ARE NOT OKAY! LOL
LOVE YOUR BABIES HARD